I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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