dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
