I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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