ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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