you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Boobs are out for the taking
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
