He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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