I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
