She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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