I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
