He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
