last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
