even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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