I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
