Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I will be naked everywhere
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
