I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
