I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
