mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
