just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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