he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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