I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
