tonight lets celebrate not being married
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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