dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
