Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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