Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize