They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
