Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize