I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I skipped work to stalk him.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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