You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
