my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize