There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
