I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
