my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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