I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Sober January is a disaster.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
