So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
