Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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