i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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