its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
