Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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