For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Found your dick twin last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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