This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
