see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
