I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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