Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
