My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
