ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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