We won't sleep together?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
