So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
