Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
