I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
foreskin is a definite game changer
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
