You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
