i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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