Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
