nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
