I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
