Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
