I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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