Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
