Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
