Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
