i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
