im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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